i am not a mere woman

Posted in Uncategorized on August 15, 2010 by chicken little

i am a trees of ideas

not a woman

those  who take covers in my shade

will find a fruitful hopes

so come human come

come to me and listen to my story

before you travel a long distance

to unknown places

i am a dream

not a woman

embrace me and you’ll live to the fullest

come and get my heart

for i’ve spread it through the crawling dew

pieces of my tears

those who wish to follow me

will find me useful

i’ll draw you your dream

i’ll teach you the true meaning

i’ll carry you to the hardest path

shall we walk together

to the Gate of Paradise

i’ll show you the way

you can see the light from here

Those who wish to have me

will never have me

for i am not a woman of possession

i am  the bird

the sky

the subtle vision

i will never give you my self

and none shall command me

i am a galaxy of compassion

not a woman

come drowning in me

and i shall fill your soul with empathy

and you will live with compassion

i will never belong to any mortal

no men could tame me

and i am bigger than a woman

for those who wants to wed me

will not wed a woman

but a Milky way full of star

and a fountain of wisdom

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Satisfying my insatiable Thing

Posted in Uncategorized on August 15, 2010 by chicken little

here i am again.. alone in the dark with my own thought.  Sunshine comes up slowly, heating earth with all its might.

It’s a hush hush, and i’ll tell nobody.

But i’ve make up my mind and thanks to the sunshine, i know now what to do.

Sometimes i feel i want to be Gadjahmada, and swear myself that i’ll never let my self indulge any luxury, not until welfare is restored for humanity.

I’m not sure about that, since i’m kind of moody.

However, i get the ideas.. for my self now are used to spartan discipline.

I will never let my self being attached too closely to anybody.

I will never let my self forget that i have to be useful somehow.

I want to be useful for my religion, for humanity.

I’ve seen my friends, and i observed them carefully. Some are just being ignorant, some were quite absorbed in their life. One wants to be a dean, one wants PhD, one simply wants a lot of money.

There’s no way i would not like it either. I’d love to be a dean, or getting PhD, getting married or earning loads of money.

However, that’s not squeezing all i have for the world.

What i mean is a constant hard work, and very little indulgence.

I want to devoted my time to read and write for people’s voices, i want to teach what i’ve known, i want to give my fortune to those who needs it.

And that’s better than being consumed by love story. Domesticated.

Shall i be a wife? shall i be a mother? I will never let myself stop from thinking and caring.

Now i know, that my insatiable thirst of attention have a way.

I will do anything to get attention from my God, for he’ll never failed me.

and my heart were all for humanity, but not for myself to enjoy.

So those who hurt me will see someday, that i will forget them.

And i will be a better person

Menjadi segalanya

Posted in Uncategorized on August 15, 2010 by chicken little

ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone..

it’s not warm when she’s away..

Apa yang sebenarnya kucari dalam hidup ini?

telah kuketahui..

aku ingin menjadi matahari, menjadi segalanya..

aku ingin dunia gelap tanpaku..

tetapi ini bukanlah sebuah keinginan yang baik

kelahiran, kematian, kehidupan manusia.. semuanya bukan milikku

adakah seseorang menyadari mengapa ia terlahir? Mengapa ia terlahir sebagai dirinya dan bukan sebagai George Washington, atau Madonna?

Mengapa ia tidak terlahir sebagai Nabi, atau orang suci lainnya? Mengapa dirinya tidak menjadi presiden?

Aku, dengan segala kelemahanku, bukan tidak menyadari, bahwa diri ini masih sangat jauh dari takdir-takdir besar..

Tetapi justru dengan ini aku harus hidup dalam kesadaran, bahwa manusia adalah batu bata dalam kehidupan.

Semuanya menjalani takdir yang sama.. lahir, menjadi besar, tua dan meninggal..

Ada yang lebih cepat dari itu.. ada yang hidup tanpa guna, hanya menjadi beban.

Sedangkan aku, aku…

aku ingin menjadi besar, lebih besar dari siapapun..

Bukan untuk kekuasaan atau ketenaran..

terkadang aku merasa aneh, benarkah bukan untuk kekuasaan atau ketenaran? lalu apa magnet yang menarikku pada pikiran-pikiran besar..

Apakah aku begitu ketakutan dilupakan?

apakah aku sangat benci tidak dianggap?

ya, aku benci diriku yang tidak berguna ini..

aku tidak puas dengan kemapanan yang menenangkan. Aku ingin lebih!

Aku ingin melakukan hal-hal besar!

Aku tidak ingin menjadi rakyat biasa, seseorang yang tidak signifikan..

Lalu dimanakah filosofi batu bata yang tadi? TERSIMPAN HANYA UNTUK LIPSERVICE…

aku tidak menganggap diriku spesial, justru aku merasa diriku terlalu banyak kekurangan..terlalu kecil untuk dianggap..

Justru itulah, aku tidak ingin hanya menjadi kecil.. aku ingin meninggal dengan karya-karya besar..

Tetapi aku masih bingung dengan niatku.

Apakah aku inginkan nama besar? Seperti Achilles yang gagah berani..

Ibundanya menawarkan dua pilihan untuk Achilles remaja,

“kau inginkan tetap disini bersamaku, kucarikan kau istri yang mencintaimu..

atau kau ingin pergi berperang dan mencari kebesaran nama

Jika kau disini, maka kehidupanmu akan damai, dan kau akan meninggal dikelilingi anak cucu

Jika kau berperang, maka namamu akan diabadikan dalam sejarah..

tetapi kau akan meninggal dalam kesendirian”

Pada akhirnya kita tau bahwa Homer menulis Achilles sebagai ksatria perang yang paling tangguh dalam hikayat Iliad..

ITUKAH YANG KUINGINKAN?

Ah..

Aku adalah seorang manusia yang tidak memiliki begitu banyak hubungan.. a man with no attachment, no connection..

Tentu ribuan teman di facebook dan teman sehari-hari bukanlah teman yang kumaksud..

Sisi melankolisku mencegah semua orang untuk ikut masuk ke dalam relung renunganku.. bahkan tidak orangtuaku, saudaraku, dan calon orang-orang terdekatku nanti.

Aku ingin hidup dalam kesendirian.

Tetapi aku ingin hidup diantara jutaan orang. Milyaran orang.

Aku ingin mencintai tetapi tidak ingin hanya satu orang.

Aku ingin mencintai semua umat manusia.

Dan aku ingin dicintai semua orang..

Jika tidak dicintai oleh kekasih.. maka aku ingin hidup dicintai ribuan orang..

Aku ingin dikenang sebagai seseorang yang baik, bermanfaat..

Lalu dimanakah Allah dihatiku?

tetap disana, sebagai satu-satunya tambatan harapan hati. Sebagai landasan dan tumpuan..

Aku sadar tidak semua orang bisa menjadi besar, dan sekalipun aku berusaha mati-matian, ada Allah yang akan menentukan segalanya.

Maka jika aku meninggal dalam pencarianku, aku ingin kembali padaNya dengan hati yang puas.

“Lihatlah aku Allah, lihatlah aku..

aku yang kecil ini mempersembahkan segalaku untukMu ya Allah..

Lihatlah aku ya Allah, palingkan wajahMu padaku..”

aku adalah manusia yang kehausan, aku butuh perhatian..

tetapi aku tidak butuh perhatian siapapun kecuali dariMu.

Maka lihatlah aku ya Allah, aku akan menjadi seseorang yang berguna.

Sesungguhnya hanya Kau dan aku yang mengetahui penyakit pada jiwaku ini, ketakutanku, kesendirianku..

Bahwa aku ingin menjadi segalanya bukan karena pikiran-pikiran mulia,

tetapi karena aku begitu takut terlupakan. Begitu tertekan dengan keraguan..

tidak ada yang akan mencintai aku..

tidak ada yang akan mencintaiku dengan kekal

jika aku mati, maka aku akan terlupakan

karena itu aku mencari perhatian, menempuh sgala cara untuk tidak dilupakan..

Wahai segala manusia, perempuan dan laki-laki, tua muda dan kawan sebayaku…

aku begitu takut disepelekan

aku begitu cemas tidak dianggap.

Karena itu tak ada cara lain bagiku, untuk menyeret kaki ini.. menjadi seseorang yang akan diingat.

Ingat lah aku, kenanglah aku..

Aku ingin meninggal dengan peninggalan yang besar.

Orang-orang bijak sibuk menenangkanku, bahwa proses itulah yang akan dinilai Allah.. Bahwa kita semua telah mendapat bagian masing-masing karena itu yang paling penting adalah bekerja dengan sebaik mungkin.

dan aku tidak boleh ambisius..

dan aku tidak cocok untuk peran-peran besar..

aku tidak cukup pintar, tidak cukup bijak untuk menjadi besar..

dan aku hanyalah mengejar kehidupan semu, bukanlah akhirat.

hehehehehehe,

aku bukannya tak tahu itu semua.

aku mungkin bukan siapa-siapa, hanya lah seorang yang bermimpi besar.

Tetapi aku tidur berselimut ketakutan..

dan doaku penuh harapan..

aku menolak menjadi manusia rata-rata, aku ingin menjadi seseorang yang berguna..

walaupun kelak aku akan mati sendiri.. tanpa dikenang..

yang penting sekarang berusaha dulu..

dan aku harus selalu mengingatkan diriku.

Bahwa aku bukanlah seorang yang mencari ketenaran, bukanlah seorang yang mudah terpuaskan oleh dunia..

aku adalah seorang penyendiri.. al ghuraba..

dan aku menolak hidup bersantai dan terlena.

Begitu banyak hal yang harus dibenahi di dunia ini..

Adakah tangan kecil ini bermanfaat ?

ya Allah, aku ingin sekali dicintai..

and most of all, i want You to love me..

jika aku harus mengorbankan hidupku untuk kerja keras

dan menempa diriku agar menjadi bermanfaat bagi umat

maka inilah diriku seutuhnya.

Aku ingin menjadi segalanya bagi dunia

InsyaAllah

who am i

Posted in Uncategorized on August 14, 2010 by chicken little

through the amidst of this dark blue night..

i feel an endless worry

i woke up in the middle of the night

questioning my existence

the chain of events in my life

gives me nothing but a constant remembrance

of bitterness

my open wound

were not so dramatic

but i nurture them with my rage and disbelief

until it consumes me thoroughly

my spirit my fuel my stimulus

is a chest full of doubtfullness

i ride them in supersonic beat

oh who am i

why would i let loneliness

accompanied myself

is this my safest point

being alone ?

how much i hate to be forgotten

how much i am afraid of being abandoned

i rather wait for nobody

i rather run faster than anyone

i know myself

i know how to manipulate myself

i have always been a weak person

i scared almost on anything

therefore i hang unto God only

I knew human being

were born alone and will die alone

we are strangers one to another

so lets keep it that way

i don’t really need anyone anyway

i have befriend my sadness

and i don’t regret it

alive again

Posted in 1 on April 4, 2010 by chicken little

alive

it is now 5 o clock in the morning..

and i am crawling inside my blanket

discovery channel’s commentator mumbling faraway

my life as it is begin

now has a new meaning

i suddenly wants to sing it loudly

the dzikr

oh who am i now

i’ve been orbiting in people’s life

as if i am their moon

No.

i am my own planet

in fact i am the sun

No.

I am even bigger than that.

I am the entire galaxy my self.

since when i stop reading.

since when i stop working.

i’ve been into my holiday to long now it is getting boring.

Now the world should be ready

because i am running in full speed

i will not be wasted no more

my silent prayer

Posted in 1 on April 4, 2010 by chicken little

apakah aku hanya bodoh

plain retarded

ataukah aku pemaaf

apakah lebih baik pergi menjauh

atau memberikan pelajaran dan balasan jahat padanya

haruskah aku tertawa

atas kesedihan demi kesedihan yang perlahan memudar

akan ingatan itu

aku telah pulih

tetapi luka-luka ini menyisakan kekuatiran


DAMN YOU ..

nothing but a genuine bastard!

so you’ve overcome me

you’ve forget me now you have another toy

so that’s the game you play

all the singing all the attention


i’ve just realised

how predictable you are

oh stop it you’re not sorry

you just dumped me happily

dan sekarang hanya kekuatiran yang tertinggal

adakah ketidak tegasanku memberinya angin

untuk mencari korban lain, memperdaya dengan alasan sama

ya Allah jagalah kami

jagalah kami dari perbuatan buruk kami..

hati ini tidak pernah tenang

bukan karena cinta atau patah hati

tetapi karena penyesalan

begitu bodohnya diriku terbawa

dan kini dia akan melakukannya pada wanita lain

ini salahku ini salahku

aku yang kurang tegas padanya

dan kini ia akan menganggap semua orang

sama sepertiku

bodoh dan mudah terpedaya

segala cara sudah kuupayakan

telah kupersempit jalannya

kini tinggal kesadarannya akan Allah

dan kesempatan untuk berbuat buruk

aku pun tak peduli lagi

jika kau melakukannya lagi pada wanita lain

maka itu bukan salahku

a beast will be beast in my eyes

until you proves me wrong

but i am not eager to see what will happen

as it is not my life

i hope you are sorry

for truly and deeply

come now see my scar

it is not only ruin me but also my faith

don’t do this don’t ever do this again

it is somebody’s daughter

it is somebody’s mate

please i am begging you

ya Allah bagaimana ini..

berikanlah aku ketenangan

A runner notes

Posted in My daily dose of blogging on February 15, 2010 by chicken little

I am always a runner..

That’s my thought when I witness the Rotterdam Marathon of 42 kilometers.


This year’s participants is 13.000 people, most are Dutch.
It last like 6 hours and I can see that these people are running not only for the money.

Some of the runners are physically handicapped, some are very old, some are women and some are very, very late. But they did not stop and decides to take Metro subways or tram.
They just want to finish it.
I somehow understand it. They have their own mission.

I am not good in sport, no matter how hard I try.
For example, my serves can never pass the net in volley ball.
I could stand playing badminton less than ten minutes and tennis even less than that.
I could not swim and I get the worst score in my athletic class.

My sport teachers give up and made me do some clipping and sport reports instead.
But I am always a runner. I like running and I respect people who keep running even they know they are outperformed.
My running is not the fastest, nor the longest.
But at least I could force my legs to move.

I guest this is why I still running until now. I have been a natural runner since childhood.
It bring back memories, most are bitter and childhood fear. But beneath it I could always leave those memories behind, until I could see nothing but lights and hear nothing but my heartbeat.
After that, I feel like reborn.

I don’t remember my first run, but my mother told me that the first time I could walk, I don’t walk. I just run. At that time, my mother used to tell me not to run because it is dangerous, but mostly I don’t listen to her and I end up bump into anything.

I remember running in my junior high school.
Not in the running track, but along the school hall to buy the exam papers for my class (in that school, to follow exam, you should buy exam papers).
I was the smallest, and once the dumbest.
My classmates are a bunch of rich and the richest who value other by their cars, branded stuff and possessions. So, in order to fit in, I just have to do as they told me. I have to buy the exam papers for the class while others are busy reading the last minutes exam material.
Did I feel sorry for myself?
Nope.
I run very fast so they have no time to read anything anymore. Later I think, perhaps I did run to rebel from their tyrant.

I was always running when I come home from school. My school is far from my house and I have to walk to get there. Along the streets, I see many things. Animals and people, both are mostly unfortunate. I think of them and question myself. Are they wasted?
Are these people wasted? Are they live they 50 years of life, or more, to become poor?
Allah is not sleeping, said my mother every time I asked her this.
This answer is indeed able to comfort me.

Lately, when I run, I remember my father.
Before I go to Netherlands, I always run with my father during weekend. Not far, just in my residential area, around Lebak Bulus stadion.
My father..
I guess in my eyes, I will always see him as a runner himself. Not as a champion or anything, but in a kind of sad ways, more like a defeated hero.
My father, he tries very hard in his life, but this world has been cruel to him. That is just the perfect words to describe him. I guess, this is why sometimes I picture him as a beaten soul. To me, he is like a stubborn looser, in a kind of heartbreaking way.

Only when we run together, I sometimes could catch that flame in his eyes, his faded dreams, hidden somewhere in his fragile pride. He will tell me about his magna cumlaude, his Nestle and Stanpac interview. He will tell me about his jobs and presentations. The one he could achieve long time ago before his series of dark ages.
In his life, he has nothing to be proud of, but only me and my sister.
He told me this again and again. Again and again.

My thought aren’t renewed, I will always see him as the little fragile thing of mine.
But my running contemplation sort of changed me, for now as I grow wiser, I slowly accept him wholly. As the matters I didn’t knew before, now as clear as crystal.

People always run in their life.
What matter is whether they are running from something, or running to achieve something?
This philosophical side of me sometimes dramatizes my running process, as If I see drama through my eyes while running. I see couples in love, I see hatred and i witness sadness. I see people younger then me, older than me.
I watch the leaves are falling from the trees, i see clouds in blue sky. I see life.

I then begin to questioning the end.
Do I run to Allah?
Do I selfishly running from Allah?

You can say that I am such a melancholic person, but I am the kind of person who always feels lonely. I am not spoiled that I feel miserable with this feeling. In contrary, I do ‘use’ this loneliness to get me out of any kind of dependence, humanly bond, or possession over something or someone.
It is not eternal, anyway.
Nothing is matter but Allah.

By running I contemplate this feeling, my fear, and my hopes.
By running I constantly remind myself, that I am alone.
When my runnings are faster and faster until I hear nothing but my heartbeat, I am becoming a loner in the crowd. Like it’s just me and Allah.
Then I pray to Allah when I run.